Today’s prompt for #reverb11/#resound11 (I am now going to combine the two because I pull prompts from both) comes from Megan Collier‘s prompt mailer:

Fear: If you could take a pill to *cure* just one of your fears from 2011, which one would you choose + why?

Author: Coach Jennie

This one really jolted me.

And that’s not to say I didn’t like the other prompts in my email this morning. But I am trying this new thing where I “bare all” (or, bare as much as I can in a public blog), and this prompt made me think, quite literally ALL DAY. Hah, well, not exactly. We woke up this afternoon (!!) at around 12:30 after being awake until past 4 this morning. So it was constantly on my mind from about 1 this afternoon until now.

I recently spoke about the virtues I’ve come upon this year, mainly having to do with school, specifically having to do with my photography. So here’s what went through my head this afternoon:

Doctor: Mrs. Fox, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you are suffering from a fear of success.
Me: Oh. What can be done for me?
Doctor: Well, we have a pill that you can take. You just have to take it every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Thinking about this gave me a migraine. Because I know it’s true. And that’s the main reason why I cannot commit to anything. Why I am constantly changing my mind about things, things that will ultimately be good.

A couple years ago it came in the form of sewing. I made clothes and I sold them. At some point, I was told I wasn’t good enough at what I did. So before I failed miserably, I sabotaged myself first and THEN I failed. So please don’t misconstrue this with fear of failure. I ended my sewing business and I haven’t sewn anything since Halloween of 2010. Why? Because I made it so sewing was not fun anymore. It became a chore to me, because every time I would sit down at my sewing machine, I just couldn’t NOT think about what happened before. So, that ended that.

Now, my issues are with photography. But not really in the way you might think.

My family is full of photographers. My parents owned a portrait studio/photo lab when I was a baby and through my childhood. One of my cousins shoots professionally for the New York Times, The Daily News and The Village Voice, while his brother shoots cycling races in Denver. I grew up immersed in it. It was only a natural progression that I would eventually end up pursuing it myself. Initially, back in 2007 when I was in college, it wasn’t for Photography. It was for business (hah!). My ex (well he wasn’t my ex at the time) wanted me to take a photography class with him and I admit, at the time, I wasn’t all that interested in it. That quickly changed, as I ended up succeeding in the class and he flunked out. There’s really nothing quite like being immersed in the fumes of the darkroom and be able to see your image come to life on paper. That’s what I truly miss about film photography, but that’s another story for another day.

My path was set. I started working as a graduation photographer, and also working some anime conventions doing cosplay photography.

Fast forward a few years to now. Well, actually, earlier this year, when I first signed up for my photo classes this past summer. Someone said to me, “Why go back to doing something you were never really good at in the first place?”

I made it my goal this year to prove them wrong.

And you know what? I may not ever see this person again, and I don’t care. I am doing what I love, and I am succeeding.

Why is this different from the Great Sewing Debacle? It just is.

Trust me. The only way to conquer your fear is to FACE IT.

Look out world, ’cause here I come.

reverb11 resound11 day four fear success conquer